Blues and Greens

You are no longer a person.
To me anyway.
Fall away.
Break.
Shatter.
Disintegrate.
Disappear.
Your face is beautiful, but only in the memories I've chosen to keep, the photos I didn't shred.
Your voice is soothing, but only on the tapes I didn't throw out.
Your eyes are haunting, everywhere. All the blues and greens I see, they are your irises.
My mind races.
Then slows.
Races.
Then slows.
My eyes flutter open to the dark of night and I think for a minute that I can feel your body.
I'm wrong. Still dreaming, slightly.
My movements feel eerily basic, mechanical.
My limbs are disconnected from my mind, simply moving from memorized routine.
Wake-up.
Shower.
Dress.
Prepare.
Chew.
Swallow.
Chew.
Swallow.
I hate you, then I miss you. I stare at my phone. I work for a few hours, glad to have my mind busied by my pencils and paints. I avoid blues and greens. There's so much red, so much orange, so much yellow. Fiery like my thoughts. Flickering uncontrollably. And what puts out fire?
Ahh, yes, water.
Blue, vast oceans of water.
Blue, vast oceans of your eyes.
Fuck...
I stop painting. I wash my hands until they are bright red from me being unaware of the temperature. More mechanized movement ensue. I'd go outside, but I live near the beach. The sky is still blue, as is the ocean. The grass is still green. And the colors do nothing but haunt my heart.
I am lost in my pain, my choice, my monotony, all self-inflicted.
I wait until dark. I step outside, and take the five minute walk to the beach. I strip and wade into the dark water. This is dangerous, I know. I'm alone.
But I'm not alone. I see someone. More than someone. I see you.
And it's in this moment when I realize that coming to the beach was our thing. Late at night. And we are simultaneously reaching for the thing we've unequally lost. I'm reaching for my sanity. And you? You're reaching for me. I wish and hope that you don't see me. I sit low in the water, shivering, hoping that you'll go the opposite way. You wade closer. I hold my breath. My heart feels like it's beating loud enough for the world to hear.
"Is that you? Lena?"
Oh. No.

Untold

Are you close, or are you far away?
Should I leave, should I stay?
Do you trust me, have I not gained that yet?
Can you look me in the eyes and explain that yet?
I just want to know every part of you.
I just want to know the finish and start of you.
And if you'd just let me see the heart in you,
I'd be forever part of you.
I just want to be close, I just want to understand.
I just want to love you, want you to be that man.
I want to be the girl you tell all your dreams.
I want to be the first person you tell everything.
All the untold secrets, the little white lies.
All the hidden things, all the times you've tried.
I just want to know what you feel when you're sad.
I just want to know why you made me so mad.
I can't begin to understand,
I'm standing here with my heart in my hand.
But you're not, you've got it somewhere secret.
And I wonder now, if I'll ever see it...

Enough

When you're kissing, when you're in the moment, there's a point where you don't even wanna kiss, you just wanna feel it. That's what it feels like when his lips are on mine. They're soft and plump. His nose is made for me to nuzzle. His smooth cheeks are mine to tickle with my nose and fingers. Kissing him is like tasting the sweetest thing on earth. It gives me a feeling in the lowest part of my abdomen that I can't quite explain. I sigh constantly. The way his hands feel on my skin, the way I can't catch my breath when he's kissing my neck, when his teeth are grazing my breasts, when I'm straddling him and he's gripping my hips...it's almost too much. And yet it is never, it will never be, enough.

Paralyzing

You want to know what it feels like when you want to tell someone you love them, but you're unsure?
It feels like keeping a deadly fucking secret that could end the world. It's paralyzing. Your fingers wanna type it and your lips wanna say it. And then your head screams that it's been however long, and that its completely crazy. Oh, but when you say it... That feeling is so incredible. It's beautiful feeling that person's breath on your ear, whispering to you that they love you. They're there. They're staying and they're gonna love you for as long as possible. When he said it to me, when I heard his voice, and I saw his lips move, and I looked at his eyes, I knew. I don't care how long it's been.
Yet still, there are so many more feelings. I feel scared to give myself again. I feel like since we're in deep early, we could be out early. But our story is fast. Our love is new. We're good with each other. I smile with him, I laugh with him, I trust him more everyday. We don't stop talking unless we're asleep. He is my favorite everything. Ever since I started talking to him, learning him, I've been falling for him. I wonder all the time how he thinks I'm so great? I wonder constantly why he wants me?
But he is my love. His happiness is my happiness. His eyes and lips and nose are my favorite parts. His skin, his whole body, his mind, they are mine to explore. He is my love. He is my perfect.

Struggle

I lived my life by the daily affirmation that it was my job to make you happy because you made me happy. I lived my life in a daily struggle, and I never saw it. Had I looked at our relationship with the mindset of an outsider, I would have seen it. I would have seen that struggle. The struggle between who I was trying to be for you, and who I desperately wanted to be for myself. I was so consumed by who I "should" be. Every criticism, every little nitpick, everything really sunk into me. And because I loved you how you were, I strove to make myself the person you could really love, and not the one you loved because of the confidence you had in yourself to mold me. When I think back to the first time you told me you loved me, I realize that was the time when I began to struggle.

We were in my bedroom, laying in the light of the sunset. I will never forget the day because I was laying there with you, warm from your touch as well as the orange light. I can remember all the details. I was barely dressed, wearing a tank top and flimsy silk pajama shorts, and as a result of our rolling around on the sheets, you had on your undershirt and boxers. We were side by side, facing one another. You were looking into me. I was staring at your lips. I touched them with one finger, barely. I moved my face into yours, sighing, kissing you just barely. Your arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me close. I felt the outline of your body on my own. I wanted more than we had ever shared before. So did you.
"Rhian, I, I love you." you whispered. I stopped breathing.
"Say something Rhi. I mean it, I really do, I love you."
"I love you too Bradley." I said, taking a leap.
And then I was falling.
You smiled, you ran your hand through my hair and over my ear and you kissed me. It felt like no kiss we'd ever shared before. I didn't feel it then, but it was a sign that everything was going to change. That evening, in that sunset, you saw all of me, and I saw all of you. You moved inside of me, you changed me, you loved me and showed me things. We learned what making love meant.
That was the only time you loved me. The first and last time you would love me. Every other time that you touched my body, kissed my skin and whispered my name, it was simply your wish that tomorrow when we woke up, I would be less of the girl that had, unknowingly to me, escaped the night before.