Fear

I am scared of this. I'm fighting a faith of which I am almost powerless. He is so very likable, lovable even. Thinking too far into the future has caused me nothing but trouble, and yet I think about so many tomorrows, and next-weeks and next-months. I never forget that I'm afraid of those future days, weeks and months. Because what if he isn't in them? I've made that a simple question though; I'd fear them no less or no more. I fear tomorrow because there's an exam. I fear next week because there's another exam. I fear next month because there are finals, and I have to face my family for more than a weekend. I fear so much besides him. I've tricked myself, because really I don't fear him at all. I fear my feelings for him. I fear our luck turning. I fear him becoming bored with me. I do not fear him within his own self. I fear the possibilities, and I want them all. I want all our possibilities. Every drop. I want this. With a healthy fear, I believe in us.

I Promise I'll Never Cry Again

Take me back to my childhood,
take me back to the beginning.
Put me to sleep so that when I awake,
I’m back to six years old.
Six years into the life I didn’t even know I had.
Reckless, an impenetrable fortress of noise and laughter.
Take me back to my childhood,
take me back to the beginning.
Put me back into my father’s lap,
and make him the only man who matters.
Six minutes into some cartoon we both found so funny.
So cared for and adored.
Take me back to my childhood,
take me back to the beginning.
Six books into bedtime,
just a few more minutes until my eyes close and I’m a wild thing too.
So warm in my bed.
Take me back to my childhood,
take me back to the beginning.
Six bouts of the giggles to overcome,
as I help my mother make spaghetti.
So full of indescribable love and pasta.
Take me back to my childhood, take me back to the beginning.
Six more years before I know what sex is.
And before I’m worried about lip gloss and boys.
So full of innocence and the purest curiosity.
Take me back to my childhood,
I just want my childhood.
Take me back to my childhood,
I promise I’ll never cry again.

Parts of Love

Part I
I'm forgetting him. It's almost scary and it startled me today when I tried to remember what he used to make me feel. I don't know it anymore. I wonder, if what I felt was never really there. I tried my best to remember a kiss, but I can't. I tried my best to remember the happiness, but I can't. I tried my best to remember the love, but it's almost gone, and it's dying to take my memories to it's grave. So next, I'll bury myself in them, I'll bury myself in the memories. But I still can't remember the kisses. Then suddenly I remember the comfort. I remember the ease. I remember him being a part of me and vice versa. How did I ever go on without that part of me, I wonder? Then again, did I really lose it? I should still have it. He should still have it. Only I let it sink to the bottom. And him? Well he just slapped a new coat of paint on it. I don't know if he's realized that he's in the same place that he ended, just covering up our remnants with a fresh coat. It saddens me to see him in the same spot. I think he's happy, but knowing him as I was then and knowing him as I am now, I couldn't tell you. I usually just brush it off as him being someone who knows who they are and what they want. I doubt it though. I still don't know who I am. I still have the chance to be whoever I want. And so does he. It makes me sad that he might not have that experience until it's too late, and it turns into a mid-life crisis and collateral damage ensues. Then again, he could go on the rest of his life, pleased with the decisions he's made about himself, and who he chose to love, and how he chose to live. Maybe I'm just projecting my fears. But I don't fear my unknown self...

Part II
I know I still love him. Something is still there. I wish terribly that I knew how to make it go away, but I don't. He probably couldn't pull that emotion up if he wanted to, because I suspect it was never really there. Loving him is a form of personal torture that I periodically subject myself to when questioning my sanity, which is more often that I'd like. After a while though, I realized that all the love in the world won't make anything work. There are a lot of things that can get in the way of love, overshadow it, and even push it into complete obsolescence. He is my mystery, my anomaly, and I'm learning to live with it in order to move forward and be truly happy.

Part III
I tend to write about the past, but he is not my past. He is my right now and I don't really know how to describe us because we have been lucky enough not to encounter love just yet. I like that I just like him. That's it, and right now it's more than enough. He doesn't rush me, us. He is damaged, and I am damaged, and that could be great and terrible and I am completely okay with that fact. I enjoy learning him, so much. And I'm learning that even if tomorrow never comes, that I have him today, and that's enough.

Killing Time

I keep trying to kill time,
but for some reason this motherfucker won't die.
So here I am thinking of a million ways,
to pass the minutes, the hours, the days.
I'm just trying to make it to the other side,
and I'm hoping that you're there at the end of the ride.
There are things I can't explain,
emotions and feelings ingrained,
to my past I feel chained,
I haven't changed.
But, that's impossible though,
'cause I'm not the same me from a year ago.
And yet still I see the difficulty of all this,
every single time we kiss,
I make a wish.
I wish for strength and trust, honest lust,
because besides the trust,
and the strength and all that,
sometimes a girl like wouldn't mind gettin' her ass slapped.
Yeah, I said it, that vulgar shit,
do I sound like I care in the slightest?
But back to killin' this bitch time,
I can't sit still watching the second hand glide.
I wanna stab this bitch, I wanna make her die,
but killing time has never been easy for anybody.
If you figure it out, let me know,
until then I guess I'll just let it go.

Yesterday

Your face looks just like my yesterday. And when I look in the mirror, I see tomorrow in my own. There came a point a while ago when I looked you in the eyes, your familiar lips and cheekbones, and I realized that yesterday you mattered and today you don't. The transition went unnoticed and I'll admit I was surprised. There was a time when I fought with myself constantly about who I'd let you be to me. I obsessed over it, I yearned for more and less and everything in between. You were my second love and my only regret all wrapped into one. I wasted time, I made mistakes. You were my biggest failure and my greatest learning experience. You are my anomaly and I will never understand it and I am settled on that. Never at peace, but I'm settled. You are my yesterday. I am my tomorrow.

All the things I wish we had,
went out the window when it all went bad.
You're fucking me over, you're so remiss.
It's fucked up that it only takes one kiss.
One look dead in my eye to make it okay,
but what about the next day?
What about what I say?
Don't make it seem acceptable,
because these actions are regrettable.
The only problem is you're unforgettable,
not haveable, not grabable.
Sometimes I wish I felt bad that it feels so good.
Sometimes I wish you'd do the things I know you could.
Sometimes I wish you'd just sit us on the shelf,
because I know I can't do it myself,
you're so bad for my health.
I can barely find my mental stability,
because whenever you get into me,
I find I'm fucked mentally,
just as much as physically.

Little Spoon

*This isn't meant to be serious, it spawned from a convo with friends! Nonetheless, enjoy!

Come on, let's lay down.
Not like that, like this.
I'll show you how it's done,
Just like I showed you how to kiss.
Remember this? Yes, now pay close attention.
Lay right beside me, what else should I mention?
Oh yes, that's right, turn your body towards my own.
And then I'll turn where our eyes can't be shown.
And this way you can hold on to my waist,
and kiss the soft edges of my face.
And what do we call this interesting position?
We can call it whatever you're wishin'.
As of now you're big spoon whenever we're together,
and I wanna be your little spoon forever and ever.

Hope

This life is beautiful. Yes, it is truly magnificent in ways both unexplainable and unattainable. Reach for the stars, they say, and we do. Well, some of us. Those of us who stay close to the ground out of fear never experience the breathlessness of pure, untouched hope. It burns your lungs with such a crispness that you cannot bear to do anything but come back down. You spread the word of the way hope fills you, and then the people at the bottom rise up to take a breath. That, is how hope stays alive. That, is how we live and die. That is makes us, breaks us and molds us. That ever-changing, ever-growing hope. It floats above us, just waiting to be inhaled, waiting to show you all the stars you didn't know you could reach. Hope for love, peace, happiness. And then grab the stars you need to make it happen. You, must be the change. You, must chose what air to breathe, what person to allow to love you, what things will make you truly happy. Hope is that subtle fog that you see when you wake up too early, making life beautiful every morning, just aching for you to uncover the stars.

Ignorance or Truth?

I will be honest and raw with you in this moment, as we sit in slightly dingy chair that we are sharing. This house is feeble and tight, but it only feels that way when you're absent from the space. I playfully tug at your hat, pulling it over your eyes. You pretend to be annoyed with a smile behind your "Stop!". I was hoping to say more than I could ever say with words, because in this moment I am so very certain that I love you. It is a painful revelation. I almost hate myself for it. I almost hate you for it. I almost want to curl up into you and pretend that I can will it away. But I cannot, and although we are comfortably tangled in this chair, you are still my friend, and nothing less, but sometimes just a little more. I fall in and out of you, I want more and less of you, I want to get away, and I want to be by your side. I want to push you away and I want to hold your hand. I want to kiss you. I always want to kiss you. Honest and raw is what I said I would be, but I changed my mind when I looked at your face. Why? Because ignorance holds just a little more promise than truth when it comes to you.

I'm inherently in love with the idea of you,
but there's this inherent fear of you.
I'm running back and away from the things I know,
I know it's not right or wrong and it shows.
But every time you come to me,
I want to come times three.
And you see, my dilemma is one of sexuality.
It's a dilemma of immorality,
My conscience kicked in, naturally.
All my friends keep warning me,
but I can't even think about what any of it means.
Layin' awake at night having crazy dreams,
I feel like falling apart at the seams.
I know I'm gonna end up going with my gut feeling,
I just hope I'm not doing the wrong thing..

Best Kind of Broken

I'm the best kind of broken there is,
my cracks and chips resemble a masterpiece.
I'm the best kind of broken there is,
my soul is the grandest of feasts.
So take in my broken down insides,
devour them and make some room.
Demolish my crumbled insides,
and rebuild yourself a home.
Build the bricks up from the bottom,
foundation is the key to my heart.
Build my walls up from the bottom,
from many endings comes the start.
I'm the best kind of broken there is,
I'm new and strong, and pretty.
I'm the best kind of broken there is,
all because you rebuilt me.

I am your pretty flower.
I bloomed for you.
Where did you go?
You left me in the hot sun,
to dry and wither away.
So I will wilt for you,
I'll shrink and dry,
and you'll never know.
You'll miss my scent.

Decision

The time has come to make a decision. I have loved him for so long, it feels. But our hearts are far away as we lay together, side by side, no longer touching. I gently turn to face him, and the peace on his face as he sleep fools me, if only for a moment. I gently run my hand across his chest, and he reaches to take it into his, and slowly opens his eyes. We don't really speak, I just kiss him instead. We intertwine like well acquainted vines, so used to wrapping around each other. We move together like waves, gently pushing against the beach. We are so very used to this, and yet as his tongue crosses that line, and finds it's way into me, something is different. I am feeling new things about him, I am making new noises, he's not a stranger but he's something else. And then he's in me, and I just know this is not the man I loved. I have never been to this place before, I have never laid in this bed, I am so very lost in this sea of pleasure. It feels so new that it feels amazing. I cannot tell good from bad, I cannot speak clear English, I can't even tell whether I want this or I don't.
Now I'm coming, and he's coming, and we're collapsing in a heap of limbs and confusion. I somehow bring myself back down to sanity, and when I look at you, you have become someone else. I love you like I have never loved. I need you like I have never needed. I feel you in a way I've never felt. I can't turn away from your eyes. Eventually we sleep. Every day after this night will never be the same, the love won't be the same, I won't be the same. The decision has been made. Forever.

Lost is the innocence,
instead, angst and silence .
The pretty girl sits within the chaos,
her mind weary and her vision lost.
Where did she go wrong?
Where did she belong?
She thought to herself a divide must be drawn,
between the loved, the loveless, and those who are gone.
Stay happy on your own,
with your wings you will have flown,
and I promise life will go on as if you never knew.
This isn't what's good and real and true.
Breathe easily because you will be okay.
When they fall apart, and there will be a day;
We will laugh at their stupidity and naivety,
and walk hand in hand smiling happily.

You

I don't wanna love you,
I don't wanna look at you.
I don't wanna touch you.
I just wanna lose you.
And I know I never had you,
and I know you didn't want to.
And I wish I hadn't let you,
We just wanted it too soon.
Broken into tiny pieces,
fractured dreams, we release them.
Relinquish all power, all triumph, all glory,
I am not yours, you're just part of the story,
Page after page I grow nearer to the real and true,
and something in the words tells me it isn't you.
And you can tell it too,
so what's a girl to do?
When every time I do me,
I come back, to you...

Mess

Never though it'd end up like this,
It started out as happiness.
But there is a love so vicious it can never be stopped,
never be topped, unable to drop.
We go after it like lions to prey,
fresh as the day, with so much to say.
And me? I'm sitting here waiting to talk,
eager to listen, unable to walk.
His words are so delicious, so nutritious,
I'm a witness.
A witness to the fruits of his mind,
the could-be-one-of-a-kind, he'll take time to unwind.
His words are a spool of thread, wrapped up in my head,
as I lay in my bed.
Three hours is five minutes and I'm saying goodbye,
he keeps me thinking, and I wanna know why.
I love the chase, so run the race,
keep the pace, stay in place.
And when you cross the finish line I'll realize why,
why I feel so high, it's 'cause you're my nice guy.
But I've made myself victim to my heart again,
Pleas, just take us back to start again.
Rewind the days like a VHS,
regress, forget all the rest.
Impossible, it just leads to stress,
What a mess..

Waste

Self-pity will get me nowhere,
but neither will positivity.
I'm livid at my own stupidity.
Tell me how many times I can make mistakes,
because you already feel like one.
Just let me backtrack six months,
and wipe you out.
Wasted hours, days, weeks.
Wasted kisses, wasted feelings.
And no song will make it better,
no amount of words put on this page,
no amount of self-hate.
You are worthless and yet you still cloud my mind.
And I'm sure one day I'll be able to look back,
look back and say it all made me stronger.
But today I don't feel like anything.
And you feel like a waste.

We have been far away for so long. Then my phone rings, and it's you, and you're telling me to come over. I ask why, but you just tell me to come, so I leave for your place. When I arrive you let me in and go upstairs. I follow you to your room.
"What is it?"
"Turn around."
I hear you moving behind me and I don't know what you're doing. Then I can feel your body mirroring mine from behind. Your lips are warm on my neck. I gasp. You haven't touched me in this way for a very long time. You reach around my waist, tickling my skin. I let you pull my shirt away from me, over my head.
"W-why?" I spit out.
You answer by unhooking my bra, and cupping my warm breasts. I am sold, I shut up, I let this happen. You move down my body, kneeling, kissing my back. My legs are unsteady, and you reach around me, undoing my jeans, and pulling them down to my ankles. I kick them off with my shoes and you kiss up my legs. You bite my ass and I giggle, remembering bit by bit, bite by bite. You stand up, our bodies close and we walk together to the bed, almost as one person. I finally turn to face you, sitting on the mattress at the same time. I realize what I heard before was your shirt coming off, your jeans being kicked across the floor. You are left in your boxers. There is a shared look between us. I can't quite get yours, but you know me too well. You kneel between my legs, kissing me, finally. I can't get enough of your lips, I have missed them so much. I wrap my hands behind your neck, pulling you into me. You break away, kissing my chin, moving down my neck, biting, sucking, tugging at my nipples, gripping my hips. My thong comes off quickly, revealing everything finally. I scoot forward and you bury yourself in me. I rest my legs on your shoulders as the pleasure builds and I am calling your name, begging for more, begging to orgasm. You're bringing me closer, I can barely breathe. It's never been quite like this and I'm wondering how you've changed, but I don't get very far because I've reached my peak with a scream to the heavens, head thrown back like an animal.
I need you in me. I pull you back up to eye level, kissing you softly, trying so hard to say it without words. You gently push me back further onto the bed, crawling up my curves, kissing my skin, leaving a trail of hickeys and making me squirm. You reach my face, and look me directly in the eyes as you hook an arm under a leg, and push into me. You never lose eye contact, and I can't stop looking into yours either. We are suddenly suspended in this moment, while you are inside of me I can see inside of you, and I suddenly know that you love me. You have always known I loved you, and now that I know, you move, so slowly, my head starts to spin. Such taciturn movements leave me stiff with anticipation. You start to build, speeding up, faster, then harder. And before I know it you are hunched above me as my nails dig into your back, and you grunt primally while I moan right into your ear, coaxing you to make me cum. It doesn't feel like fucking, so it's easy for me to get there, shaking almost violently as my orgasm coarses through my whole body. I almost want to cry because it feels so good. You collapse and our sweat mixes as I kiss your forehead and you nuzzle my neck.
"I love you." you whisper.
"I believe you." I reply.
I feel a smile form on your face, as you're pressed against my neck. I have felt bliss, but there isn't even a word for the way I feel in this minute.

Dash

We talk a lotta shit, take a lotta hits.
Frankly, I think we're losing our wits.
Lost love this, and love lost that,
but who really knows, where it's all at?
Days and nights of lonely speculation,
internal degradation, social deprivation.
I rhyme strictly from a pile of emotions segregated,
from all the men I've hated, and all the time I've waited.
Do you even know the ways you've kept me awake?
Of course you don't, I'm so fucking fake.
Every time honesty rears it's head back at me,
I swerve masterfully, avoid it tactfully.
Lie, lie, lie, it's all we do,
I pretend it's all fine with you,
but you're lying too.
You're blind, you can't see right through,
and everything I do, I do it for...
I do it for the internal struggle,
the painful cries I muffle,
the love lost in the shuffle.
I'll pretend none of this was ever real,
we'll make a deal, me and fate, it ain't sealed.
Real can be fake, and fake can be real.
I'll pretend we never lost what we "never" had,
I won't be so mad, this can't all be bad..right?
Other choice is to just take flight,
phsyiological processes propel me into the night,
just so I might;
keep some semblance of hope, catch the end of my rope.
Will you ever know the truth? Nope.
The next guy can't have me when I'm missing pieces,
I just hope that I'll release this,
rise up like a phoenix.
Out of the ash, grab the extra pieces from my stash,
and dash.
Catch up; nice guys don't always finish last..

Memories, Mysteries

We're turning into memories,

come, lay next to me.

I'll tell you what we were,

everything we used to be.

I'll start with your forehead right off to the left,

directly in front of where your mind's kept.

I'll kiss it, remind you softly and slowly,

pulling out feelings and memories wholly.

I'll whisper in your ears everything you knew then,

when I promised and you promised that there'd be no end.

I can see the end now and promises evaporate,

everytime I see you I'm reminded why I hate to hate.

And as of late, I can't imagine why I even had hope,

because for us to be in love you'd have to untie the rope.

See you're choked and bound to everything inside of you,

and baby if I knew you then I wouldn't still want to.

But back to the memories, the past in the present,

I kiss you on the lips, they're soft and decadent.

I remember how I wondered why I'd never felt this before,

the physicalities had me blind, begging to see more.

Your soft cheeks are reminiscent of words you never meant,

and every soft inch of brown skin is relevant.

Relevant to the now, the present, the here,

and you're reminded of why I'm whispering in your ear.

I've never had a goodbye, this sweet, this mean,

I'll leave now, never knowing if you're my dream.

I'll hate you in secrecy, bathe in my stupidity,

I'll eat in my misery, sleep in my mystery.

My mystery is you, and you have no clue,

but I'll pass right through, 'cause all dreams can't come true.

Confusion

I am alone in this. Confusion is my best friend and my worst enemy. You come to me in my thoughts, you could be in my dreams for all I know. Just one more time. Just one more kiss. Just one more soft touch, one more grip of the hips, licking of the lips. One last soft whisper in the ear, one last taste of my flesh, one last tender tug at my breast. Then will I be okay? Then will I be friends with confusion for good? Is that even possible?
Sometimes I hate you and you have no clue. That part of you is slipping into memory, and from there, you cannot escape. I blame myself wholeheartedly. You being oblivious is good and bad. My choices don't feel like choices anymore. I'll just let you slip away, into memory.

Untitled

See, I thought I knew what I know, I don't.
If you think you'll ever find me out, you won't.
If I ever get into my head, I'll choke.
And neither of us will be able to see through, the smoke.
But against my own advice I move to the top.
The top of my head where the fire doesn't stop.
I push through the burnt, the broken, the charred.
My lungs get heavy and my body gets scarred.
I'm still moving, so fast, through the flames.
I push past memories, faces, names.
Catch me, catch me, catch me if you can.
I'm so far ahead, you can't see me, man.
I didn't take my own advice but I bet you wish you had.
I can hear it in your swift steps, you're running, you're mad.
Too late though, I made it, I beat you there.
I'm chillin' in my brain breathing this smoky air.
By the time you reach me I don't even care.
I made sure everything burned cause you don't belong there.
You don't belong here, you're too big, you're too much.
I can't fit no other thoughts because you took them all up.
Go away, exit, close the fucking door.
Didn't you hear? Love don't live here no more..

I am waiting to feel you touch me, breathing so quietly. Your fingers are warm and so is your breath on my skin. We kiss, intertwine. Your skin is smooth and taut and I want to see it all, I want to learn it. I want to kiss it all, I want to taste it. But you want the same thing,and my body is under yours. You weigh more, your kisses weigh more and I'm trapped, but it's enjoyable as you taste my skin, as you learn my body. You are on a hunt for noise, when you find one, you celebrate with your tongue. I am sprawled like an insect, limbs limp with pleasure, and muscles stiff with anticipation. Then you take more of me, I arch and I call out. You are looking at my body move, I am looking at yours, your eyes, the sweat forming on your brow, your mouth, forming silent praises. Time passes and we meet our peaks, we sink back down into our valley. We never stop touching, even as we drift into sleep. And right before I slip under I realize something; you are every place I've ever wanted to be.

I'm a mess,
and I pay for it in losses.
I'm a sore loser,
my head hurts.
I'm walking,
I'm searching.
I look behind me,
I see your face.
You look warm in the past.
I look beside me,
now you look cold.
And ahead of me there is light,
and it's blinding me.
For all I know,
there's no you in it.
For all I know,
you are the light.
For all that I don't know,
you could mean everything.
For all that I do know,
you don't mean a thing at all.
Now,
I run.

Pretty, Lonely

I'm a pretty, lonely girl,
and I've been pushed too far.
I'm a pretty lonely girl,
and I don't know who you are.
I look at the past and I smile.
And I look at the future with a hint of denial.
I slip through the spaces.
There aren't any traces.
My presence isn't noticed or unnoticed.
And my freedom is corroded.
I all I want to do is be there.
And now all I'd like to do is not care.
But I've never been that girl.
And I fear I'll never be a part of one world.
It always comes down to a confusing end,
why don't I feel like anyone is really, truly, actually, my friend?

Boy/Girl, Girl/Boy

Pretend that you know me.
And I'll pretend I know you.
We'll start by giving our names,
but they are not our names.
Then we will divulge our secrets,
but they will not belong to us.
We will touch each other,
but we will not feel what we should.
We will lay side by side,
and we will lie one to the other.
I will love you,
conditionally.
I will pretend to be that girl,
you will pretend to be that boy.
I will wear a skirt.
You will wear pants.
We will pretend to be old,
we will pretend that it's new again.
Pretending that we fit,
pretending everything is as it should be.
Believing there is no different choice when really,
all we have to do is stop.

I. & II.

I.
There is a way that I see you that no one else ever will. You will never know the way my eyes travel over every inch of your face, taking it in so that I can remember all the little things when I'm away from you. Your smile is a permanent fixture in my memory. If I want to smile, I think about you. When you touch me, you will never know what I feel inside. When you kiss me, you will never know the sensation in the pit of my heart that travels all the way to my fingertips. You will never understand all the ways that you make me feel. I can only hope you feel the same...

II.
I know no one will ever see me they way you do. No one will ever spend so much time studying my face. I know you're just trying to get enough to remember until next time. When I smile, I smile for you. When I need to smile, I think about you. When I touch you, I touch you differently than anyone I have ever touched. And when I kiss you, oh, when I kiss you..I kiss you like our lips were made for each others', because they were. I will never understand how you make me feel the way you do. But I love it. I can only hope you feel the same...

* * * *

I.
I cried today. You made me cry. Its never happened before. I don't know how to deal with this.

II.
You cried today. It was my fault. That's never happened. I don't know how to fix this.

* * * *

I.
I wish you could just see what you've done. I wish you understood.

II.
I don't know what's happening. Talk to me.

* * * *

I.
I don't know what to do to make you see.

II.
I can't do this anymore.

-End-

Say what you need to say..

Waves

Love is not for the faint of heart, they say.
And we are young and our hearts,
our hearts may be developed,
but they are not strong enough.
So we love hard first.
Our hearts haven't felt the pain of breakage,
so we dive into the perfection.
When we hit that first wave,
we swim through it.
We hit another wave,
and it takes longer to catch our breath,
after we push through.
The next wave submerges us.
There's water in our noses.
The salt burns our eyes.
We swallow too much and get sick.
Then it all comes crashing down so hard.
It all comes crashing down and we are crying.
But the tears and the water taste the same.
And no one can hear us in the middle of the sea,
drowning.
It takes so long to swim to shore.
We collapse on the sand.
We pass out.
We awaken and pull ourselves up.
Or sometimes we are saved.
The next time we dive in,
we won't swim out so far.
We will steer clear of the waves we cannot push through.
We may choose to wade in the shallow waters sometimes.
But as all lovers and swimmers do,
we return to the ocean.
We can't imagine living,
without the warm caress of the briny blue sea.
Without love.

Will You?

Will you still be here when I'm ready? Will you still be around when I'm ready to love again?

I've had my life shattered into pieces over something I never thought would break. I was a naive child. I was a young girl. I was so easily broken. I was so easily ruined. I crumbled. My heart gave way, it was the foundation and it crumbled, and everything inside me collapsed. I fell into a spiral. I buried myself under emotional blankets. I was someone else to everyone, but as I lay in bed during those nights, I felt as though I could sink into the springs of my mattress, into whatever lay beneath. I felt as though disappearing into the unreal would somehow leave the pain in the real world. I was wrong. I was stupid. I was irrational. So much more was broken than I ever imagined could be. There were fragments of friendships laying on on the ground, like pieces of a broken mirror. I could see myself in them, and I was ugly. My eyes had cried so many tears, my mouth had spoken so many ugly words. I would never be the same, and it hurt my soul to know so.

I will never be the same, that I know. Knowing it now and knowing it then are so different. Now I know I'll never be the same because that isn't who I was meant to be. I'm not meant to be easily broken. I'm not meant to shatter. I'm meant to stand tall. I'm meant to put the pieces back together to the best of my ability. I am meant for so much more than to be that girl. I am meant for you.

So will you be there when I'm ready? Will you be there to love me when I can say it back?

I look at your bright eyes and I smile inside, and I feel warm. I feel you when you aren't even touching me. I long to love you. I know that I can. Please don't think that I will never be able to. It's there. I'm meant to love you, we are meant to be amazing, I can feel it. I just need that patience. I need you to wait a little longer.

I'm here, can't you feel me? Don't you feel it when we touch?

When I kiss you, it brings that possibility closer to the surface, with every soft brush of lips and fingertips. And when you hold me in your arms I know that you're good for me. When I lay on your chest to hear your heart beat, I know that it's keeping time until I can give all of myself to you.

Stay with me, hold on longer, please?

I, I, I...

Undream

I think I loved you,
but I forget the place...

I've seen your face before. I know it wasn't in my dreams, because I could never dream you. I know it wasn't any old day, because you couldn't possibly belong anywhere else but this moment. I am seeing you for the first time, and the fifteenth time, and the last time. I feel a tear in my heart, as though something is trying to escape. I can hear myself breathing. I watch you move. I look at your lips as you say something to a friend. I am stuck. My feet are firmly planted. You see me looking. Normally I would break away. Normally I would move but instead you are moving towards me. I feel my face getting hotter. You greet me. I am replying in mechanized form, in movements I was born with. I was born for you, I feel. You take me away. You touch my skin with your lips. I am breathless for a night. I am breathless for what seems like an eternity. When I awaken you are gone. And I realize that in the moment I was seeing you, you were only looking at me.



And you were the queen
I was the king.

"Noli me tangere.
Noli me legere.
Noli me videre.
Noli me--"

Do not touch me.
Do not read me.
Do not see me.
Do not me--

Move away. Don't drift, run. I am so close to destruction. I am not who I was. I am not the one you love. But I love you so much. I love your skin and your eyes and your lips and your hair. And I hate myself for all the things you don't know I've done to you. I lie to you about how I feel. I want to die most days. I don't know why most of the time. I cower in my suicidal corner and hope that I'm making the better choice of staying here just to love you. It is the love you give me that keeps me from finishing something that was never really started; my life.
I fear the future if you aren't in it.
And I am telling you the truth about my desire for death so that you can do the thing that I don't believe anyone else can.

Save me.

I Am

I am beautiful and I am whole. I am all the pieces that make me, and then some. I am strength and joy and hope. I am the past, the present and the future. I am my past, present and future. I rely on me. I love others, but I love myself the most. I am open and I am closed. I am yours, but I am always my own. I belong to me. I rarely cry. I care too hard and too much. I get lonely easily. I want to help everyone. I doubt myself at least once a week. I am unsure and scared. But I am myself, and I love myself, and I will move and adapt. I will be better. I will continue loving myself unconditionally.

You're all over me. I want it. I feel your tongue. I'm there, you're there and I'm calling out to you, and I'm falling. Then I'm awake, chest heaving, eyes wider than my legs just were in that dream. I need a shower. I stand under the spray for what seems like hours. Then I throw on an old paint splattered sundress and some flip flops. I make myself a cup of tea and an english muffin. I eat, slowly, staring at the canvas that is whispering to me. I paint until it's dark and I don't realize. I look out the window at the cars going by to wherever happy people go on Friday nights. When you were here it didn't matter the day, the time, anything. All that mattered was that we had each other. You let me paint until you couldn't stand it anymore, and started to kiss my neck softly, pulling me away with no hands. You explored my body at night. Some days you worked for hours and left me to my pieces, the big pieces. That's when you left for lies and deception. That's when you were someone else I never knew existed. That's the point when the memories become distorted, and when the dream I keep having becomes a haunting reverie of beauty and pain and so many other things. Sometimes I miss you so badly it hurts my heart to the point of shortness of breath. I ache. I hate you now because even though you aren't here, you are everywhere.

He sees me in all my glory, sticky with saltwater and humiliation.
I don't speak. I shiver and back away.
"Lena, please wait. Please speak to me."
I am doing everything in my power to leave his eyes in the dark. Because if they stay in the dark like all of his secrets, then I'll be able to leave him once more. I'll be able to walk away again. I'm still shivering, still backing away into more and more darkness. It almost feels better than the water does on my skin. It envelops me, swallowing away the fear.
And I dive, swimming to shore with all my might. I grab my things and I get back to my place as quickly as I can. I lock the door and I leave all the lights off, keeping myself in the soft darkness, slipping around the slivers of moon on my floor and walls. I run a bath, peel all the wet, briny lace off of my skin, and sink into the warmth. I soak for an hour or so, dry myself and don't bother with clothes. I get in between the cotton sheets and fall asleep as the dark wraps honest arms around me, and allow myself the the most peaceful night of sleep I've had in weeks.

Blues and Greens

You are no longer a person.
To me anyway.
Fall away.
Break.
Shatter.
Disintegrate.
Disappear.
Your face is beautiful, but only in the memories I've chosen to keep, the photos I didn't shred.
Your voice is soothing, but only on the tapes I didn't throw out.
Your eyes are haunting, everywhere. All the blues and greens I see, they are your irises.
My mind races.
Then slows.
Races.
Then slows.
My eyes flutter open to the dark of night and I think for a minute that I can feel your body.
I'm wrong. Still dreaming, slightly.
My movements feel eerily basic, mechanical.
My limbs are disconnected from my mind, simply moving from memorized routine.
Wake-up.
Shower.
Dress.
Prepare.
Chew.
Swallow.
Chew.
Swallow.
I hate you, then I miss you. I stare at my phone. I work for a few hours, glad to have my mind busied by my pencils and paints. I avoid blues and greens. There's so much red, so much orange, so much yellow. Fiery like my thoughts. Flickering uncontrollably. And what puts out fire?
Ahh, yes, water.
Blue, vast oceans of water.
Blue, vast oceans of your eyes.
Fuck...
I stop painting. I wash my hands until they are bright red from me being unaware of the temperature. More mechanized movement ensue. I'd go outside, but I live near the beach. The sky is still blue, as is the ocean. The grass is still green. And the colors do nothing but haunt my heart.
I am lost in my pain, my choice, my monotony, all self-inflicted.
I wait until dark. I step outside, and take the five minute walk to the beach. I strip and wade into the dark water. This is dangerous, I know. I'm alone.
But I'm not alone. I see someone. More than someone. I see you.
And it's in this moment when I realize that coming to the beach was our thing. Late at night. And we are simultaneously reaching for the thing we've unequally lost. I'm reaching for my sanity. And you? You're reaching for me. I wish and hope that you don't see me. I sit low in the water, shivering, hoping that you'll go the opposite way. You wade closer. I hold my breath. My heart feels like it's beating loud enough for the world to hear.
"Is that you? Lena?"
Oh. No.

Untold

Are you close, or are you far away?
Should I leave, should I stay?
Do you trust me, have I not gained that yet?
Can you look me in the eyes and explain that yet?
I just want to know every part of you.
I just want to know the finish and start of you.
And if you'd just let me see the heart in you,
I'd be forever part of you.
I just want to be close, I just want to understand.
I just want to love you, want you to be that man.
I want to be the girl you tell all your dreams.
I want to be the first person you tell everything.
All the untold secrets, the little white lies.
All the hidden things, all the times you've tried.
I just want to know what you feel when you're sad.
I just want to know why you made me so mad.
I can't begin to understand,
I'm standing here with my heart in my hand.
But you're not, you've got it somewhere secret.
And I wonder now, if I'll ever see it...