Ignorance or Truth?

I will be honest and raw with you in this moment, as we sit in slightly dingy chair that we are sharing. This house is feeble and tight, but it only feels that way when you're absent from the space. I playfully tug at your hat, pulling it over your eyes. You pretend to be annoyed with a smile behind your "Stop!". I was hoping to say more than I could ever say with words, because in this moment I am so very certain that I love you. It is a painful revelation. I almost hate myself for it. I almost hate you for it. I almost want to curl up into you and pretend that I can will it away. But I cannot, and although we are comfortably tangled in this chair, you are still my friend, and nothing less, but sometimes just a little more. I fall in and out of you, I want more and less of you, I want to get away, and I want to be by your side. I want to push you away and I want to hold your hand. I want to kiss you. I always want to kiss you. Honest and raw is what I said I would be, but I changed my mind when I looked at your face. Why? Because ignorance holds just a little more promise than truth when it comes to you.

I'm inherently in love with the idea of you,
but there's this inherent fear of you.
I'm running back and away from the things I know,
I know it's not right or wrong and it shows.
But every time you come to me,
I want to come times three.
And you see, my dilemma is one of sexuality.
It's a dilemma of immorality,
My conscience kicked in, naturally.
All my friends keep warning me,
but I can't even think about what any of it means.
Layin' awake at night having crazy dreams,
I feel like falling apart at the seams.
I know I'm gonna end up going with my gut feeling,
I just hope I'm not doing the wrong thing..

Best Kind of Broken

I'm the best kind of broken there is,
my cracks and chips resemble a masterpiece.
I'm the best kind of broken there is,
my soul is the grandest of feasts.
So take in my broken down insides,
devour them and make some room.
Demolish my crumbled insides,
and rebuild yourself a home.
Build the bricks up from the bottom,
foundation is the key to my heart.
Build my walls up from the bottom,
from many endings comes the start.
I'm the best kind of broken there is,
I'm new and strong, and pretty.
I'm the best kind of broken there is,
all because you rebuilt me.

I am your pretty flower.
I bloomed for you.
Where did you go?
You left me in the hot sun,
to dry and wither away.
So I will wilt for you,
I'll shrink and dry,
and you'll never know.
You'll miss my scent.

Decision

The time has come to make a decision. I have loved him for so long, it feels. But our hearts are far away as we lay together, side by side, no longer touching. I gently turn to face him, and the peace on his face as he sleep fools me, if only for a moment. I gently run my hand across his chest, and he reaches to take it into his, and slowly opens his eyes. We don't really speak, I just kiss him instead. We intertwine like well acquainted vines, so used to wrapping around each other. We move together like waves, gently pushing against the beach. We are so very used to this, and yet as his tongue crosses that line, and finds it's way into me, something is different. I am feeling new things about him, I am making new noises, he's not a stranger but he's something else. And then he's in me, and I just know this is not the man I loved. I have never been to this place before, I have never laid in this bed, I am so very lost in this sea of pleasure. It feels so new that it feels amazing. I cannot tell good from bad, I cannot speak clear English, I can't even tell whether I want this or I don't.
Now I'm coming, and he's coming, and we're collapsing in a heap of limbs and confusion. I somehow bring myself back down to sanity, and when I look at you, you have become someone else. I love you like I have never loved. I need you like I have never needed. I feel you in a way I've never felt. I can't turn away from your eyes. Eventually we sleep. Every day after this night will never be the same, the love won't be the same, I won't be the same. The decision has been made. Forever.

Lost is the innocence,
instead, angst and silence .
The pretty girl sits within the chaos,
her mind weary and her vision lost.
Where did she go wrong?
Where did she belong?
She thought to herself a divide must be drawn,
between the loved, the loveless, and those who are gone.
Stay happy on your own,
with your wings you will have flown,
and I promise life will go on as if you never knew.
This isn't what's good and real and true.
Breathe easily because you will be okay.
When they fall apart, and there will be a day;
We will laugh at their stupidity and naivety,
and walk hand in hand smiling happily.

You

I don't wanna love you,
I don't wanna look at you.
I don't wanna touch you.
I just wanna lose you.
And I know I never had you,
and I know you didn't want to.
And I wish I hadn't let you,
We just wanted it too soon.
Broken into tiny pieces,
fractured dreams, we release them.
Relinquish all power, all triumph, all glory,
I am not yours, you're just part of the story,
Page after page I grow nearer to the real and true,
and something in the words tells me it isn't you.
And you can tell it too,
so what's a girl to do?
When every time I do me,
I come back, to you...

Mess

Never though it'd end up like this,
It started out as happiness.
But there is a love so vicious it can never be stopped,
never be topped, unable to drop.
We go after it like lions to prey,
fresh as the day, with so much to say.
And me? I'm sitting here waiting to talk,
eager to listen, unable to walk.
His words are so delicious, so nutritious,
I'm a witness.
A witness to the fruits of his mind,
the could-be-one-of-a-kind, he'll take time to unwind.
His words are a spool of thread, wrapped up in my head,
as I lay in my bed.
Three hours is five minutes and I'm saying goodbye,
he keeps me thinking, and I wanna know why.
I love the chase, so run the race,
keep the pace, stay in place.
And when you cross the finish line I'll realize why,
why I feel so high, it's 'cause you're my nice guy.
But I've made myself victim to my heart again,
Pleas, just take us back to start again.
Rewind the days like a VHS,
regress, forget all the rest.
Impossible, it just leads to stress,
What a mess..

Waste

Self-pity will get me nowhere,
but neither will positivity.
I'm livid at my own stupidity.
Tell me how many times I can make mistakes,
because you already feel like one.
Just let me backtrack six months,
and wipe you out.
Wasted hours, days, weeks.
Wasted kisses, wasted feelings.
And no song will make it better,
no amount of words put on this page,
no amount of self-hate.
You are worthless and yet you still cloud my mind.
And I'm sure one day I'll be able to look back,
look back and say it all made me stronger.
But today I don't feel like anything.
And you feel like a waste.

We have been far away for so long. Then my phone rings, and it's you, and you're telling me to come over. I ask why, but you just tell me to come, so I leave for your place. When I arrive you let me in and go upstairs. I follow you to your room.
"What is it?"
"Turn around."
I hear you moving behind me and I don't know what you're doing. Then I can feel your body mirroring mine from behind. Your lips are warm on my neck. I gasp. You haven't touched me in this way for a very long time. You reach around my waist, tickling my skin. I let you pull my shirt away from me, over my head.
"W-why?" I spit out.
You answer by unhooking my bra, and cupping my warm breasts. I am sold, I shut up, I let this happen. You move down my body, kneeling, kissing my back. My legs are unsteady, and you reach around me, undoing my jeans, and pulling them down to my ankles. I kick them off with my shoes and you kiss up my legs. You bite my ass and I giggle, remembering bit by bit, bite by bite. You stand up, our bodies close and we walk together to the bed, almost as one person. I finally turn to face you, sitting on the mattress at the same time. I realize what I heard before was your shirt coming off, your jeans being kicked across the floor. You are left in your boxers. There is a shared look between us. I can't quite get yours, but you know me too well. You kneel between my legs, kissing me, finally. I can't get enough of your lips, I have missed them so much. I wrap my hands behind your neck, pulling you into me. You break away, kissing my chin, moving down my neck, biting, sucking, tugging at my nipples, gripping my hips. My thong comes off quickly, revealing everything finally. I scoot forward and you bury yourself in me. I rest my legs on your shoulders as the pleasure builds and I am calling your name, begging for more, begging to orgasm. You're bringing me closer, I can barely breathe. It's never been quite like this and I'm wondering how you've changed, but I don't get very far because I've reached my peak with a scream to the heavens, head thrown back like an animal.
I need you in me. I pull you back up to eye level, kissing you softly, trying so hard to say it without words. You gently push me back further onto the bed, crawling up my curves, kissing my skin, leaving a trail of hickeys and making me squirm. You reach my face, and look me directly in the eyes as you hook an arm under a leg, and push into me. You never lose eye contact, and I can't stop looking into yours either. We are suddenly suspended in this moment, while you are inside of me I can see inside of you, and I suddenly know that you love me. You have always known I loved you, and now that I know, you move, so slowly, my head starts to spin. Such taciturn movements leave me stiff with anticipation. You start to build, speeding up, faster, then harder. And before I know it you are hunched above me as my nails dig into your back, and you grunt primally while I moan right into your ear, coaxing you to make me cum. It doesn't feel like fucking, so it's easy for me to get there, shaking almost violently as my orgasm coarses through my whole body. I almost want to cry because it feels so good. You collapse and our sweat mixes as I kiss your forehead and you nuzzle my neck.
"I love you." you whisper.
"I believe you." I reply.
I feel a smile form on your face, as you're pressed against my neck. I have felt bliss, but there isn't even a word for the way I feel in this minute.

Dash

We talk a lotta shit, take a lotta hits.
Frankly, I think we're losing our wits.
Lost love this, and love lost that,
but who really knows, where it's all at?
Days and nights of lonely speculation,
internal degradation, social deprivation.
I rhyme strictly from a pile of emotions segregated,
from all the men I've hated, and all the time I've waited.
Do you even know the ways you've kept me awake?
Of course you don't, I'm so fucking fake.
Every time honesty rears it's head back at me,
I swerve masterfully, avoid it tactfully.
Lie, lie, lie, it's all we do,
I pretend it's all fine with you,
but you're lying too.
You're blind, you can't see right through,
and everything I do, I do it for...
I do it for the internal struggle,
the painful cries I muffle,
the love lost in the shuffle.
I'll pretend none of this was ever real,
we'll make a deal, me and fate, it ain't sealed.
Real can be fake, and fake can be real.
I'll pretend we never lost what we "never" had,
I won't be so mad, this can't all be bad..right?
Other choice is to just take flight,
phsyiological processes propel me into the night,
just so I might;
keep some semblance of hope, catch the end of my rope.
Will you ever know the truth? Nope.
The next guy can't have me when I'm missing pieces,
I just hope that I'll release this,
rise up like a phoenix.
Out of the ash, grab the extra pieces from my stash,
and dash.
Catch up; nice guys don't always finish last..